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Excusing Rather
September 13, 2004

By James L. Hirsen, J.D., Ph.D.
contributor to

Dan, about the forged documents flap. You're going about it all wrong dude. You need a better defense. Try giving a few of these a whirl.

  • About you not ever having the original documents, blame it on successor-hopeful John Roberts and make a big stink about him leaving them at Kinko's.

  • About when you said that the memos were from the personal files of the departed Lt. Col., but his widow and son insisted that he kept no personal files and that Killian didn't type, say he was a closet typist like Joel Klein.

  • About critics pointing out that the typing on the docs looked immaculate and that there were no errors, visible corrections or misspellings, say that Killian had special ops training in erasing.

  • About the Washington Times and other media sources bringing in handwriting experts to look at the signatures and coming to the conclusion that they were counterfeit, take a dance break on top of an SUV.

  • About you saying that Marcel Matley, the handwriting expert you used, authenticated the signature, but he wrote that he couldn't authenticate a copied signature, divert attention by asking if anyone remembers Marcel Marceau and his "Bip" the clown routine.

  • About Col. Walter Staudt not being able to pressure Killian because Staudt retired a year and a half before Killian's memo was written, launch into a rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot."

  • About retired General Bobby Hodges authenticating the memos over the phone and then reneging, say that you heard he was offered a job at Halliburton.

  • About not having talked to Killian's widow and son, change the subject. Pretend that you've got a Jolly Rancher stuck in your throat.

  • About computer geeks pointing out that the memos exhibit things like variable line spacing, automatic word wrap, kerning, proportional spacing, superscripting and precise centering and that no technology existed in 1972 or 1973 that could have accomplished all of these things simultaneously, tell them Killian was a fellow time traveler.

And then do your broadcast from Roswell.

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Copyright © 2004
James L. Hirsen, J.D., Ph.D.

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