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Hollywood's Subversive Seven - December 30, 2002

By James L. Hirsen, J.D., Ph.D.
contributor to

This Left Coast Reporter just couldn't let the year end without giving a rundown on the lowest political blows from the celebrity set. Here's my choice for this year's Subversive Seven.


In the past, he complained that President William Jefferson Blythe Clinton wasn't liberal enough. This year, he's accused President Bush of encouraging war with Iraq for mundane political reasons.

"I'm against this whole 'Let's bomb a new country because things aren't going our way,' " the actor recently snarled.

Guess when Monica was testifying and Clinton dropped a few big ones to distract us, things were going just peachy.

He's the award-winning Director of Drivel, Tim Robbins.


She can belt out a tune but she can't type or spell worth beans.

In a memo to Minority Leader Dick Gephardt, she misspelled his name along with Saddam's. She informed "Gebhardt" that industries "run by big Republican donors and insiders, clearly have much to gain if we go to war against Iraq."

Her highly publicized bloopers were handled by blaming an underling.

A "Truth Alert" from her Web site indicated that a Republican/Conservative candidate had "blatantly misquoted" the diva, "fabricating outrageous quotes and completely misrepresenting" her "deep opposition to the Iranian dictator. "

She also told a $500-a-seat crowd at a Democratic fund raiser, "In the words of William Shakespeare, 'Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervor, for patriotism is indeed a double-edged sword.' "

Only problem was Shakespeare never penned the words. The quote was part of an Internet hoax.

After feeling a little down after the midterm elections, it looks as if she's refreshed and ready to fax again. Bet this time she'll be armed with an almanac, a dictionary and a book on the complete works of Shakespeare.

She's former spelling bee champion Barbra Streisand.


Ever wonder why President Bush and his administration need to hang a military threat over the head of Saddam Hussein? Well, a guy who plays political top dog on TV seems to have it all figured out.

"I think he'd like to hand his father Saddam Hussein's head and win his approval for what happened after the 1991 Gulf War," the TV prez-turned-shrink speculated.

When you stop to think about it, isn't the implication of his statement pretty hideous ­ that the president, along with Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rice, Powell and others, would sacrifice human life for petty pride? Oh, yeah, I forgot. He's just an actor.

He's TV Prez Joshua Bartlett, aka Martin Sheen.


While in the U.K., he said it's America's fault that Saddam Hussein spends all of his money on building more palaces and weapons of mass destruction.

He calls the president "Shrub" and says he's a "warmonger who stole the White House."

Guess white men CAN jump -- to conclusions, that is. He's the ex-"Cheers" barkeep, Woody Harrelson.


When over in Spain she blubbered, "I hate Bush. I despise him and his entire administration. ... It makes me feel ashamed to come from the United States -- it is humiliating."

"Tootsie's" girlfriend informed us all that an attack on Iraq would be "unconstitutional, immoral and illegal."

I agree with the actress on one point. I'm ashamed she comes from the United States, too.

She's King Kong's main squeeze, Jessica Lange.


These two dunderheads theorize that there's an ongoing effort by Bush and Co. to promote the administration's war machine. They say that because Hollywood is controlled by large corporations, war movies and violent films are shaped by the "interests of the Pentagon and the White House."

Their comments were reported on Radio Havana. Both happened to be attending a film festival in the commie paradise of Cuba.

The Banana-boated one, who apparently thinks Fidel Castro is fantastico, told the press that Sept. 11 gave President Bush an excuse to implement plans "to control the world militarily, economically and culturally."

He told a radio audience in southern California: "Colin Powell is committed to come into the house of the master. When Colin Powell dares to suggest something other than what the master wants to hear, he'll be turned back out to pasture."

Looks like the pair are going for a remake of "Beavis and Butthead." They're the more than moronic Harry Belefonte and the less than lovable Danny Glover.


The Institute for Public Accuracy sent him on a search for the truth. Nothing like meeting with Saddam's ministers to get to the bottom of things.

"I have the privileged opportunity to pursue a deeper understanding of this frightening conflict," he said in a written statement.

The paparazzi puncher was in Baghdad "to learn and not to teach." And he apparently learned a pretty painful lesson. The seminar was taught courtesy of the Iraqi press.

According to the Iraqi News Service, he confirmed that Iraq was "completely clear of weapons of mass destruction" and that the "United Nations must adopt a positive stance toward Iraq."

Before he could issue a denial or clarification, the New York Post published the top 10 reasons why the actor would make a great U.N. arms inspector, including the one that said "after 'Shanghai Surprise,' " he "certainly knows what a bomb looks like."

Guess everyone knows he'll always be Spicoli. He's Ridgemont High's most famous dunce, Sean Penn.

Next year promises to be another celebrity-blabbing record setter. Keep you posted.

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James L. Hirsen, J.D., Ph.D.

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