Kerry Media No-Nos
October 25, 2004
L. Hirsen, J.D., Ph.D.
contributor to Newsmax.com
It's not easy to write a column about John Kerry. And it's not
just because thinking about the guy gives me that fingernails
on the chalkboard feeling.
It's because now, before I write anything, I first have to
consult the Dukakis/Gore Manual of Style, which lays out all
the acceptable procedures when dealing with John Kerry coverage.
The thing's chock full of "can dos" and "shove
its," meaning it dictates what I am and am not able to say
when it comes to the Dem candidate for prez. Here a rundown on
the media mandated yeses and nos I can talk about.
Yes: the Vietnam War hero, medals and all
No: the anti-war zero with the Fonda connection and war crimes
Yes: video footage of his heroic "reenactments"
No: "Howdy Doody in the Tank" pics where he dressed
up in a germ-free suit and looked like a pork sausage.
Yes: his mocking of the sitting president's speech
No: his extreme grouch makeover a la Botox and Zoom
Yes: the rugged outdoorsman who skis, surfs, bikes and hikes
No: the Easy Rider sans training wheels who was apparently demonstrating
how to pop a wheelie when he skid out and hit the dirt and the
Downhill Racer who blamed a secret service agent for a tumble
saying the "[SOB] knocked me over"
Yes: Dick Cheney's daughter being "who she is"
No: Teresa Heinz "57 varieties of flubs" Kerry, who
questioned whether Laura Bush ever had a real job, like discovering
a cure for arthritis using nine white raisins and rum
Yes: the French Kofi kisser
No: the "Oil for Bribes" backer and master global
Yes: his altar boy history, solid cafeteria-Catholic standing
and use of the "all depends on" rule when it comes
to mixing up Church and State
No: the facts on partial birth abortion and use of the "who
cares" rule when it comes to banning the murderous practice
Yes: his "Stronger America" line
No: his pilfering of Dick Cheney's 2000 "Help is on the
way" slogan and his "bring it on" cry that swiftly
morphed into a "call it off" plea
Yes: his refashioned Pottery Barn rule
No: remarks about pottery resembling his spray-on tan
Yes: his ostrich ad
No: his left-of-Kennedy record in Congress and stint as second
in command to Dukakis
Yes: his brewskie swig during the Red Sox game
No: his pampered cuticles and smartly shaped fingernails
Yes: his poll numbers among Hollywood celebs
No: the photo-op hunting session complete with starched camouflage
outfit, designer shotgun and caddy for the dead geese
The Big No-no: Any discussion of John Edwards wanting to
tag along but having to cancel because he couldn't find a camouflage
Reproduced with the permission of
. All rights reserved
L. Hirsen, J.D., Ph.D.
All Rights Reserved